NEW! The Expert
COMEDIC :: M
Randy is buying condoms for the first time. To his embarrassment, the
condoms are behind the counter, and an older woman is working at the register.
Randy: Yes, I need to get some (Lowering vioce.)
condoms. (Beat. Clearing throat, louder.) Condoms. (Beat.) Uh, what kinds have you got? I can't really see -- I'm extremely
nearsighted. (Beat.) Uh huh. Glow in the dark?! This isn't Halloween! I don't want to scare her, for God's sake! I think I'll
go with Trojans. (Beat.) No, I don't need the econo-pack. Not that I don't need it. I just prefer to buy them in
small quantities. Ya know, keep 'em fresh. (Beat) Size? Well, you better give me the extra large. (Beat.) Of course I'm sure.
This isn't like the first time I've bought condoms or anything. I buy them all the time. Constantly. Sometimes twice a day.
Not that I sleep around. I would never do that. It's just me and my girl. Uh, Ma'am? Do these come with directions?
NEW! Bite-wings
For Breakfast
COMEDIC :: F
Sharon got into a fight with her boyfriend last night. Today at work, as a dental assistant, she discovered
a new way to work out her anger. It is after work, and she is talking to her boyfriend.
Sharon: I've forgiven you. I mean it. I am completely over everything. I was working today
and Susan, the other dental assistant, called in sick. It was like destiny smiling at me. What I mean is, I got to work with
every single patient today! Do you know there is nothing more satisfying than yanking out people's teeth? I kept picturing
each patient was you, and I was pulling, twisting, ripping out teeth left and right! The more they bled, the happier I felt!
Then I started using the suctoin -- sucking up people's tongue -- making them twitch and jump! It was great! I was in
control. I know they couldn't really feel anything. But the thought that I could be hurting them -- inflicting
severe, unbearable pain -- was almost... orgasmic! So honey, I'm not mad at you anymore. Oh, and guess what? Dr. Greene said
we could squeeze you int tomorrow. Isn't that great?!
There's Gotta Be a Better Way
COMEDIC :: F
Faith works at McDonald's. She is having the day from hell. She has been pestered twice by the same customer. When the
customer complains a third time, Faith loses it.
Faith: Ma'am, I replaced the first burger free cause it "didn't taste right" to you. And the second
burger cause you said it wasn't cooked enough. Now you're telling me that this burger is burnt?! You have got to be kidding
me. Where do you think you are. This is McDonald's! We ain't serving no sirloin steak! $5.25 an hour and I gotta put up with
the likes of you. I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back here, take my greasy apron and my stupid hat, and stand back
here in 128 degree temperature and cook your own burger til you're satisfied. Oh, and hey, don't forgot you gotta smile nice
for all the customers while you're sweating to death and the French Fry boys are whispering perverted jokes!! No? Doesn't
sound like a good old time to you? Well then, I highly suggest you take that burger back to your little table, eat it, and
think about how lucky you are that I didn't smush an apple pie in your face. Have I made myself clear? Thank you. Have a nice
day.
Searching for Justice
DRAMATIC :: F
Janis witnessed a man being brutally beaten. For the past two years, a private investigator has been periodically
questioning her. Today she finally went to court to testify. She is outraged and devastated when the defendant is declared
innocent. After the courtroom empties, she confronts the defendant's attorney.
Janis: Justice was served?! You've got to be kidding me! I was there. I saw everything. Your
client beat that man to a bloody pulp. He left him lying in the street. Just a mass of blood where his face used to be. You
saw the pictures. He had to have his entire face surgically redone. And why? Because your hero was itching for a fight and
didn't like his long hair. Two years of private investigators calling me and having me indentify photos. And for what? So
I could sit in that witness stand and have you twist my words into lies. You must be awfully proud of yourself. What do you
feel when you're lying in bed at night? Do guilt or shame ever come creeping in? I have been waiting in that stuffy office
all day. Because I came here to tell the truth. And I did. Now would you tell me something? How can you live with yourself?
How?
It's a Living
COMEDIC :: F or M
On the way to a friend's house, Cori has a bizarre encounter with a very strange man. He/She has just arrived at a friend's
house.
Cori: You won't believe what just happened to me! I'm getting off EI and this guy comes up to me and says,
"Hi there. You got a minute?" I say, "Sorry, I don't have any money," and I start to walk away. He scurries up beside me and
goes, "Wait! I don't need any money. Actually I'm on my way to Crobar. It's fetish night." I pick up my pace. Then he runs
infront of me, blocking my path and says, "Look, I don't mean to bug you and I'm not going to hurt you. It's just that I couldn't
help but notice your beautiful feet in those sandals. I'll give you ten dollars if you let me smell them for just thiry seconds."
You should have seen his face! The guy was dead serious! (Beat.) Of course I didn't! Are you kidding? (Beat.) I made him give
me twenty.
Foot in Mouth
COMEDIC :: M
Jordan's girlfirend, Jessica, recently broke up with him because he blew her off to spend the night at Carrie Benson's
house. Jordan and Carrie are good friends. Here, he tries to convince Jessica that nothing happened. But the harder he tries,
the more his words come out wrong.
Jordan: Hey Jessica. Oh C'mon. Can't I talk to you for just a minute? Look, I know I was a jerk-- (Beat.)
Okay, a major jerk. And I don't blame you for dumping me. Well, just a little. Joke - that was a joke! I'm sorry I blew you
off last Saturday. But the only reason I did was because Carrie Benson was upset about Doug breaking up with her. She was
lonely, she needed a friend, and she promsied me a good time. Jess, wait! That's not what I mean. I didn't sleep with her.
She didn't want to. Hold up, hold up! That came out way wrong. What I'm trying to say is that she wanted me to spend the night,
and I wanted to be with her. Not be with her, be with her! Don't you understand? Every time I think of you, that little four
letter word keeps flooding my head. You know, the "L" word? Does that happen when you think of me? It does?! (Beat.) Liar?
That wasn't exactly the word I had in mind.
Fame and Features
COMEDIC :: M
Ed is a struggling actor who recently decided to try to get an agent. Embittered by the emphasis that was
placed on his looks, he played a little joke on the agents with the help of his friend Gary. To his surprise and disgust,
it backfired on him.
Ed: Three weeks ago I had auditions for some agents. All on the same day. I go to the first
agent, read my copy -- she loves it. But she wants me to get my hair cut and dyed. She gives me this salon card and says,
"Come back once Pierre fixes you up and then we'll talk." I thought, that's kinda shallow, but hey, I'm willing to change
for my craft. I got to the second agent who tells me, "You're very talented, but we've got to do somethign about your teeth
-- that space." Look how small this space is! You can barely see it! At this point I'm somewhat disgruntled, but I go to the
third agent. He wants to get a nose job. A nose job! There is nothing wrong with my nose! So today, just for kicks, I ask
Gary to go back to those agent with my resume and pretend he's the "new" me. And guess what? He got signed by all three! In
my name! They didn't even realize it wasn't me! I'm sickened. As of today, I'm becoming a plumber.
Roses Are Red
DRAMATIC :: M
Craig's mother died of cancer two weeks ago at a very young age. Craig's father sent him to a therapist
to help deal with this tragic loss. Craig does not like the idea of seeing a therapist, but he agrees to go to please his
father. Here, he is speaking to the therapist.
Craig: You understand? You understand? No, you don't understand. You think just because
you have a Ph.D. and a framed certificate on the wall, that you magically know what I'm feeling? What a load of crap. You've
just doing your job -- making your money. You probably never cared about anyone in your life. Well I do. I care too much.
That's why I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Every time I see a woman who even slightly resembles my mom, I
swear she's gonna turn around and it will be her. Alive, here, now, smiling at me. But it never is. I keep waking up in the
middle of the night, screaming, all drenched in sweat. Yesterday, I put my fist through the window and shattered it into pieces.
My mom is dead. She's dead, and I can't even cry. Cause if I do, it'll mean I accept, really accept, that she's gone forever.
I don't want to do that. I can't do it. Can you understand that? I can't let my mom be gone.
